You · know · you · love · me.

oh high school love.
sooo crazy.
i knew the day i met you i would fall for you.
you cna't get what we had every day.
but you decided you'd try.
and so far, you are unsuccessful.
luckily for you, i know. and although i might be dating someone new, it doens't change that i know what there is between us. i can't just dump jason because you figured out you still wanted me. thats not how it works. you're still one of the most amazing people i've ever met and honestly talking to you puts me in a bad mood becuase i dont want to feel like i'm missing out. sorry my current decisions don't make sense to you, but you've always trusted me and i believe things will work out between us.

as for the concert, we'll see....

blah blah blah
not having a job is boring.
its making me want to try out for soccer.
grand cayman was amazing.
mostly
homecoming week is kind of dull so far.
my "new squeeze" is pissing me off.
he lacks the knwoledge of how to treat the girl you supposably like.
how come i always have to train the guys i date.
and hes so unwilling to compramise. hes even more stubborn than i am.
but he is fun and i love being arounf him and his friends.
it's always good to try something new.
things are so unpredictable right now.

homecoming is this weekend.
it's weird to think about that i am being nominated to be homecoming queen.
like really weird.
but it's fun.
i cna't wait to wear my dresses and my TOGAAAAAA
thats exciting!

ballllllllssssssssssssssss
fuck boys
fuck them all
except for peter because he probably saved my life last night
but other than him i hate all of them

got turned down for homecoming (i'm sure YOU"RE happy)
got fucking embarressed the shit out of
got hammered last night and said things that i don't remember
and now i'm supposed to mow the lawn wheni'm still kind of drunk
seriously
balls.

today was so tiring.
holy cow.
maybe i like being busy.
ya i do.
working the afternoon shift is sooo friggin boring.
i got a sweet note on my car today while i was at work.
whatevs man, whatevs.
my cousin should be coming through the door within the next hour.
i HATE economics.

you now whattttt>?
as much as every guy hates the veronicas, they shouldn't.
to be honest. the forever song makes me feel like getting naked and screwing in an elvater.

actually i always want to do that.

ok today:
i finally got my balla system that i can't figure out :)
i went to the beach and relaxed.
found out too much information about you're new booty.
and i think it's hilarious. have fun.

saw beer fest and it was fucking hilarious because the super trooper boys own my heart<3
i can't even believe how busy i'm going to be.
holy cats i can't believe i have class now.
i'm so dumb for taking so many classes.
but it'll be worth it when i'm already a junior in college.

saturday= big beach day
even if the hurricane comes. do ittttt

blah
so so busy.
whew.
football game was AMAZING. i couldn't have had a better time. unless we had won.
i LOVE my girls. no matter what happens this year, we're going to be there for each otehr.
pre-gaming is a must from now on.
tonight when i was babysitting i realized how badly i want a family one day. yes, i actually want to punch out kids.
work today was completely out of the ordinary.
i get my systemmmmmm in tomrorrow.
woot woot.
i wish i had lived in the 70's. that would have been so tight. you could do what ever the balls you want.
i'm actually really happy for myself right now.
i'm starting my FSU application right now.
this week i'm going to be SWAMPED
i have school work and class and the occasional hang out time. btu i'm glad to be busy.
it's been a week now. actually right now when i think about it. i'm fine.
what i learned from all of this is that i cna't rely on ANYONE to make me happy. it's just me. and i dont have time to be sad about you because i ave college and ACTs and school and class and work and family to worry about.i don't regret anyhting between us and i'm very thankful also for the time we spent together. maybe one day things will be different between us. because no matter what, deep down inside i'm always going to love you.

but for the mean time. live it up. drink it down. laugh it off.
i'm making this the best year i can.

optomism!!!

but don't you forget that i HAD ntohing to do with this.

so today
wow what a day
made some new friends
went to work
saw a movie
saw a WAY old friend named scott
holy shit
way cool. he came by work and was talking to me (muhahaha erin)
it was nice to catch up before he goes to cali to be rich at grad school

you know. you're the one who thought of this whole idea.
just keep that in mind through everything.

and if it comes time for you to call me again, i don't think you'll have the balls to do it.
which is disappointing. because that means, you're just like the rest of them.

thanks kay for letting me steal that without your knowlede
today wasn't too bad.
i realized something BIG
like BIG BIG
i'd love to tell you. but i'm not going to.
i think i made a good grade on my anatomy test which is schweet
tonight i'm going to take a chat with someone. it should be nice
tomorrow i work and then i'm going to see a movie
then thursday i have to work and then friday is the football game.
hmmm.
i realized that each day will be easier because they have been.
i hopeyou're good too.
i miss talking to you and i know you kind of do too.

but i realized that i can't count on anyone to talk me to sleep or be my shoulder to cry on except for myelf.

ps-i got my ring back and it fits perfectly
too bad i can't wear it...

have a lovely day

oh ya dn michaels fine

okay.
so i dropped off the shirts and i WAS fine. until i got back in the car and relized i wasn't going to be seeing you for a while. but if i run into you, it's going to be harder. cause you know me and i take things like that as signs. plus i'm the one who wants to be with you. it's weird that you felt this way a couple months ago and you're so unsypathetic towards my feelings.
not saying you don't care, but i can't call you unless i know for sure you ACTUALLY want to talk to em. and how do i know that when you don't tell me.
blah
why do i have to think so damn much
seriously
i over analyze too much
i think so far into things that i make up hypothetical situations.
i'm not crazy. so don't try and label me that. i'm completely normal. i'm just a thinker.

doo you remember the first time you saw me? you remember when we were leaving jays house that first night and that thing that happened and i knew what you were thinking? and you knew what i was thinking. that connection thing tht happened there...try to find that with someone else.

even i don't think i'll find that again.

ps- i look good in this corona shirt.

pps- don't forget what i said about what i'm going to do with you when you get another girlfriend.
hope it's not one you like too much :)

spend all your time waiting for that second chance.
for a break that'll make it okay.
theres always some reason to feel not good enough.
and it's hard at the end of the day.
i need some distraction
or beautiful realize
memories seep through my veins
they may be empty and weightless
and maybe we'll find some peace tonight.

today wasn't bad, i just am a little sad.
my friends are ebing really good to me and they know i need them to help me.
but i'm about to start studying and then ii'm going to the gym.
this journal is just my little venting machine so don't get bitchy if the only reason i write in this is to bitch
michaels stuff is tomorrow.... i'm kind of nervous.

ok
so all i'm going to say is that i hope it's not too late when you realize that i'm not that bad of a person. actually i know that you don't think i'm a bad person but i know you think there are better people than me out there...right? but maybe i should be the one to tell myself that there are better people than you out there.
but i'm also not going to lie, i think i might always love you. and when you do think that maybe this isn't the end of us, then you should call me. because i'd like to be with you. because you make me happy.
i know this is what you want and i guess need. and i really am sorry that i'm being so repulsive to the situation. i dont want to think abotu you with another girl. its so hard. and i can't just sit here with out anyone else. and if i do date other people, you'll hate me and thats no fair.

i know i'll be fine. its going to take time, the beach, new boys, seraching for new boys and myabe a couple shots of alcohol before the next FB game. just kidding. i doint even want a new boy. no dating thats for sure. maybe a couple of datessss but no boyfriend girlfriend thing because i'm NOT doing this again.

the only person i'll do this again for is the person i truely think will be with me for the rest of my life. because it's not worth the pain to have people be insensitive with otehr feelings. i deserved to know the day you decided that things were different, but you didn't think that. i realy am i good person. i have morals and i have goals and i AM going to be something when i get older. now i just want to find someone who wants to go with me on the ride.

haha that was lame. hahaha. oh man. i can't wait to get out of here. i'm ready to make somehting of myself. and see what i'm truely made of.
but i am young, intelligent, beautuful and i have the whole world in front of me.so if you don't want to be with me. suit yourself. and good luck with everything.

ps-i hope you stay yourself through all of this.

yay! one week till my system. thank god.
and i'm not working as many hours. and my PJC classes are about to start. and i'm so excited to go to tally in 2 weeks.

sorry this entry sucked!

oh wonderful life.
my birthday sucked i'm not going to lie
alan did a lot of things for me which was nice.
snakes on a plane DID NOT suck. i was surprised.
i hit erins car this morning because i'm amazing.
alan dumped me again for the like what...3rd time? so i guess we're finally done. no more.
i dont need anyone

but i'm also not going to lie. this hurts really fucking bad.

i think i'm miserable.
or getting there at least.
i son't like summer because i miss school and ACTUALLy seein my friends.
i feel like i';m being discriminated a lot lately and i am.
theres too many thoughts in my head.
i need a girls night.
alan and i are fine except when i turn into bitch. (sorry :/
i have NO money.
at all.
but i get paid friday.
i get my hur cut wednesday.
i have senior pictures on monday.
i have to write a paper for my class, which is waytoo easy.
and i really miss my friends.
again.

hope you're having a good one

i have been working at hersheys for 6 months now.
no raise.
barely more hours.
and i'm pissed.
i love the girls and i love that it's easy and everthing but i'm sick of not even making 30 hours a week.
the reason i'm working is for money.
so i think i'm going to go look into a couple of different jobs.
she told me i was the lowest on the totem pole which is such shit and i' really getting pissed because i am a hard worker and i know how to do everything there except close the register which isn't even my fault for not knowing.
and she made me feell shitty because i babysit and i had to go out of town for a week.
well i told her in the very beggining that i was going out of town for 2 weeks and that i baby sit a lot and she was ok with that. now shes holding it over my head because i have to ask off sometimes.
which is shit.
so inevitably, i'm pissed. and you screw me... i screw you.

but on a MUCH lighter note... alan and i are dating again, which is absolutely WONDERFUL!
and i'm about to go to the beach, then baby sit tonight, and saturday i work all day and then babysit all night

oh man oh man.
most AMAZING night of my entire life.
seriously.
i'm so in loveeeeee<3

who would have thought that things would turn out like they did.
cause i sure as heck didn't.

but i sure am glad and i am going to go back to sleep
ps- i've made mucho dinero this week. yay mandy!